MayDay! MayDay!

Disclaimer: What follows is some personal evaluating, grumbling, and navel gazing.  I swear it leads to something positive in the end. Please stick with me.

I have spent the majority of the past several months in a deep, deep funk.

First I broke my leg which required surgery, followed by three months of physical therapy.  Despite the fact that I built some killer biceps from crutching myself all over the place, I managed to gain a lot of weight.  I consider myself lucky that I have little to no pain in my leg, even though I’m now a bionic woman with a metal plates.

I have always been deathly afraid of falling down (I can recount endless stories of hikes, leisurely strolls, winter wonderlands, small obstacles to climb, etc. that were filled with panic and anxiety).  Now, after falling down a flight of stairs and breaking my leg, I find myself even more panic-stricken and less motivated to move my body around for fear of something catastrophic happening.

I’m also still mourning the loss of school, after graduating in December, since learning and academic achievement are as important to me as oxygen (I kid you not).  Although school put me further in debt and it was often a struggle to balance school work with my full-time job, I loved every second of it.  Like when I finished my Bachelor’s Degree, I fear that I may never have the time or resources to learn again.

Speaking of my full-time job, it’s gotten incredibly difficult in terms of creating a work/life balance that allows me to focus on self-care.  Since I started in this leadership role five years ago, my staff size has more than tripled and the number of programs I oversee has more than doubled.  It has been nonstop since I returned from medical leave in November.  Many nights and weekends I find myself taking care of small tasks to keep myself alive (showering, brushing my teeth, doing laundry so I have clean clothes), then I dive back into work.  I can’t recall the last time I made more than one homemade meal (featuring a protein and a veggie or fruit) in a given week.  Or the last time I packed my lunch for work and actually had time to eat it.  My work to-do list is endless.

I’m having difficulty finding time (and money) to take care of myself.  Healthy eating and exercise are out the window.  I haven’t practiced yoga or written consistently since before I broke my leg.  I haven’t had a haircut since October.  My clothes don’t fit well anymore and it’s a struggle to dress myself in a professional manner every day.  I have ZERO extra dollars to my name and a mountain of debt.  I can count on one hand the number of fun things I’ve done in the past several months.

Where has all of this negativity lead?  To me spending practically all of my precious spare time (and spare money I don’t have) gorging myself on unhealthy foods.  Chips and cheese and gluten-free desserts and chocolate and soda and more cheese.  I am a binge eater.  It is my #1 way of coping with the hurt and the stress.

Every year, I try to set New Years resolutions that always get discarded by the end of January.  Who wants to renew themselves at a time when it’s cold and raw outside?  When everything is dead or hibernating?

As I lay down in bed this afternoon (belly full of more cheese and chips, disgusted with myself) I noticed how beautiful the weather is today.  May Day.  The birds are chirping.  New leafs are blowing on the trees.  Everything feels alive.  Warm.  Promising.  Fresh.  The kind of day where you want to pick fresh fruit and enjoy it in the warm sunlight.  A perfect day to send a distress signal to myself (it is mayday after all). More to come soon.

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